The following advice is attached for the benefit and welfare of company colleagues.

Health & Safety Bulletin I:
Topic: Hot conditions in foreign countries:

I awoke after my first night in Ireland. As we were now well into June, I was due for and decided to, take a shower before breakfast.
I noted with surprise the pressure of the shower water. This was so high the sand blasting effect worked quite well without the need for soap.

After I had finished I made a catastrophic mistake. Although I say catastrophic, under normal circumstances, I would regard this as not an unreasonable mistake to make. It is more that the consequences were rather unexpected and severe.

I turned the water control in the wrong direction. The water temperature then immediately rose to an unbelievable level, around 300 degrees centigrade! This may be a slight exaggeration but I remain to this day, convinced that the temperature would have been quite sufficient to have made a cup of coffee. Such was this temperature that it was not a case of “Ooh that’s hot, I will turn the control back the other way”.

It was more a case of an expression rhyming with “clucking bell”, not that I had the inclination nor the time to complete such a phrase, I simply had to get out of there and fast!

As I shot, at quite a speed for my age, towards the far end of the shower unit, the bath mat slipped backwards and I catapulted, continuing further forwards now at an angle of 45 degrees to the horizontal, my arms flailing in the direction of the intended escape route, with my legs remaining within range of the superheated geyser to my rear.

My progress thereafter remains something of a blur. I do know that I then somehow managed to whack my left knee heavily against the side of the shower. As for the rest of my appendage, I made a grab for the towel rail in order to haul my rear half from the unit.

Unfortunately, the towel rail broke in half and fell from  the wall. My left hand was now clutching a separated tube of chromium, which of course no longer offered any assistance at all in my attempt to extricate myself.

My left arm then forcibly hit the radiator below the towel rail (i.e. below where the towel rail was, as the rail was now in several pieces on the floor, excepting for the tube which I pointlessly still had in my grasp).

Continuing in my determination to escape the situation, I believe I simply then rolled head first out of the unit and landed on the floor still clutching the prize of the chromium tube.

I rose unsteadily.

I had escaped.

I considered the damage. I was slightly off vertical due the bruising to my left knee. My left arm was completely numb. My left elbow was also heavily bruised after the encounter with the radiator.

Between the elbow and the wrist, there was a series of bruised cuts each having a small arc shape, seven in total. I had acquired an exact representation of the shape and spacing of the radiator fins.

At my wrist, I now had a four inch slash that was pissing with blood.

I stood there naked in shock and somewhat confused as to my next move. I was soaking wet, my left arm was covered in blood. Despite the injustice of it all, I did not feel comfortable nor able to easily dry myself with only one  serviceable arm and the pure white towels provided.

I managed to pull a towel around my waist and phoned reception asking for a first-aider equipped with plasters.

The receptionist promptly arrived but only equipped with plasters 1/4  by 3/8 inch wide. She went away and shortly returned with a bandage large enough to treat a severed leg.
Had it been suggested beforehand that I would be standing semi- naked in my bedroom with an extremely attractive 17 year old blonde, I would have envisaged a far more attractive scenario.

As it was, in reality, taking into account the condition of my left knee and elbow, I was stiff in all the wrong places.
The first aid treatment however was successful and I was most grateful for the hotel’s response.

Company colleagues should take note and fully familiarise themselves with shower controls before use.


Health & Safety Bulletin II:
Topic: Personnel conflicts.
I had arrived at the airport for departure from Ireland having been driven there by my estimable colleague Kieran. We stopped at the  drop-off bay. I gathered my belongings from the front of the vehicle and Kieran opened the boot tailgate.

I admit that I had been winding up Kieran during the visit, especially regarding numerous strange Irish cultural practices (including the provision of superheated steam showers).

He had seemed to have accepted this as par for the course and had responded in kind. I did not anticipate the subsequently swift retribution.

At the rear of the vehicle, unknown to me, he had removed my suitcase and placed it on the path. He then stood in front of it, hiding it from my view. This was easily achieved, him being not the smallest fellow.

Hence when I moved to the boot, I could not see my case and leaned into the vehicle. At this point, (and I am convinced out of the corner of my eye that I saw the beginnings of a wry smile on his face), Kieran went to slam the boot shut!

The corner of this hit me hard on my left forehead and I sank to my knees. Although I definitely had strong suspicions, I had no proof that this was intentional.

Being semi-concussed, I was in no condition to argue the point. I gathered my belongings and hobbled into the airport, wiping the blood from my forehead.

I simply wanted to go home.

In the past I have always found Ireland to be a most welcoming place. This trip was a different experience altogether.

Company colleagues should again take note and be very careful whenever personnel conflicts occur.